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ISBN: 9781776193431
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Dating for Survival -Trends
In this digital age, social media is a repository of knowledge and entertainment, an ever-evolving account of the spectrum of human desires and aspirations. So, grounded in my personal observations, I’ve distilled a series of prevailing trends. These trends offer a subtle yet telling indication that many of the wonderful souls who parade our streets are, perhaps not overtly – no, I take that back. Actually, this phenomenon is straight up in your face. So let me try again: these trends offer an indication of how many wonderful and not-so-wonderful souls are engaged in the complex dance of dating for survival.
The allure of the blesser
In South Africa, the term ‘blesser’ is used to describe an older, wealthier man who enters into a transactional relationship with a younger woman. The relationship is often characterised by financial and material benefits provided by the older partner in exchange for ‘companionship’, or, quite bluntly, sexual favours. Social scientists estimate that it can take up to nine generations for poor families in low-income countries to rise up out of poverty, so it is no surprise that in this unequal society of ours, blesser culture is prevalent. However, is it further complicated by the power imbalance seen between the established and the poor, or the male and the female.
Many see the blesser phenomenon as a reflection of our society’s moral decline, but as a wise friend once remarked, ‘Poverty can lead people to do unusual things.’ Throughout history, we have witnessed relationships between women and older, wealthier men in exchange for financial support – what some call ‘sugar daddies.’ However, what distinguishes this generation of South Africans from previous ones is the prevalence of transactional relationships and the openness surrounding them.
My belief is that if we had managed to sustain double- digit economic growth rates as a nation over the past decade (though that might be wishful thinking), this phenomenon would not have developed to such an extent. It’s crucial to acknowledge the risks associated with these relationships, as there have been cases where women have tragically lost their lives due to their involvement in transactional arrangements. Some argue that the blesser phenomenon reflects the disillusionment and lack of confidence among young women, who may feel uncertain about their ability to achieve success independently. Also, societal pressures and materialistic aspirations can further drive this behaviour among young females. Later, we’ll explore the impact of Instagram and instant gratification culture on the dating landscape.
By examining the complexities of the blesser phenomenon and the underlying causes, we can begin to understand the multifaceted nature of the impact of the economy on dating, and why it is harder to find love these days.
The rise of swindlers
Last year, my husband and I sat down to watch the highly publicised documentary titled The Tinder Swindler. As the episodes unfolded, I found myself growing increasingly frustrated. I couldn’t comprehend how a man with mediocre skills could captivate so many women, making them forget who they were. Having read books on pickup artistry, learnt the techniques and watched countless videos, I can confidently assert that this man possessed only a fraction of the advanced game employed by seasoned pickup artists. My husband argued that my perspective, shaped by my role as a dating coach, hampered my ability to empathise fully with these women. Perhaps he was right, or maybe – as his wife, as with many wives worldwide – I am always right. Regardless, the Tinder Swindler was not an isolated case of romance fraud, and we all likely know someone, whether they are a friend, cousin, aunt or even a mother, who’s been hypnotised by an enigmatic figure who has drained them of their hard-earned money to sustain a lavish lifestyle. In a TikTok video I made in which I predicted the dating trends for 2023, I anticipated that the Swindler, also referred to as ‘rabaki’ or a ‘hobosexual’ on the street, would become a hot topic at dinner tables across the country.
One of the major contributing factors to the spread of these scammers, as many have suggested, is the rise of women in corporate South Africa and the economic dis- placement of the young man. Even in these tough eco- nomic times, women are now more likely to be considered for prominent roles than any other group, and an educated woman is music to a recruiter’s ears. Later, I will explore the predicament of the displaced male more deeply, but for now I want to highlight the fact that this shift underscores an important aspect: young men not only struggle to find employment opportunities but are also excluded from the economy through women’s empowerment programmes. In a society that still harbours patriarchal underpinnings, a man’s worth is often measured by his ability to provide financially for himself and his family. It becomes difficult for a man to establish his place in society without being judged on this basis. So it’s not surprising that some men resort to desperate measures to preserve a semblance of dignity within their community. While I may label their behaviour as scamming, for some, it represents the sole means to secure a meal at the end of the day.
The rise of the high-value woman
Have you wondered why there’s a sudden surge of females obsessed with becoming high-value women? It seems that many are now taking courses and investing in learning how to embody this concept. It’s intriguing to witness how those who were once proponents of slogans such as ‘my body, my rules’ while posting photos of themselves half naked on social media have now made a complete U-turn and are striving to be seen as high-value, fully dressed, elegant and classy beings. What brought about this shift? Why did the same people whose behinds were the first thing you’d see when you logged onto social media suddenly start aspiring to be “high-value” – in this case meaning refined and classy? As a dating coach, I have observed these transformations unfold mainly through personal interactions and social media. People tend to share their dilemmas with me once they discover that I have game, and I’m always eager to lend an empathetic ear. From my observation point, I believe that as the pool of eligible men (primarily defined by their financial status) shrinks, women are seeking ways to differentiate themselves and stand out from the crowd in order to attract these men. In their pursuit of distinction, they are turning to classic dating methods.
Subconsciously, they may be thinking, ‘Since all the other women are posting half-naked pictures of themselves with hyper-independent, borderline-masculine attitudes, let me find another way to stand out.’ And as they reflect on images of women partnered by high-value men, such as billionaires, athletes, entertainers and heads of states or corporations, they may notice that these women are often elegantly dressed for the occasion and embody feminine qualities. These men’s partners are either high-value women themselves or demonstrate qualities associated with such a status. Recognising these patterns, some women have decided to enhance the image they project.
It’s important to acknowledge that despite the new financial disparities between men and women, with many men experiencing financial displacement, men still wield significant capital in the economy and often command higher incomes than women. This ties back to the overarching theme of dating for survival. The elevated expectations set by men, coupled with a shortage of ‘blessers’ (financially supportive partners), has led many women to adapt their dating strategies, aspiring to become ‘high-value’ individuals in their quest for meaningful connections.
While I expect that some may disagree with my perspective, I encourage you to consider the following: who are these women striving to impress by becoming ‘high-value’ individuals, considering this concept has been around since the beginning of time? Are they seeking validation from investors, recruiters, other women or the Daveyton women’s league?
I want to emphasise that I’m not overlooking the many women who tirelessly dedicate themselves to self- improvement, whose pursuit of personal growth is entirely separate from the pursuit of a partner. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong, at least from my perspective, with striving to enhance oneself to attract a partner, I believe that more women could reap rewards by prioritising self-improvement before entertaining those individuals who slide into their DMs.
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